The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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