Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
