I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
