Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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