I faked an abortion last night.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
