Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
