I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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