she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
There's even glitter on my cock...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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