im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
