My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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