Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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