my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I take back everything I said about communal showers
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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