I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
