I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
honey bunches of taint.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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