So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
