We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
