I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
