i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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