Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
