Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
