I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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