Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
did i just pee glitter
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
