I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
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and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
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How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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