matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You're a waste of cheezeits
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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