I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
