I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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