I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
