I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
