you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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