if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
