Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
