I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
