Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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