people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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