he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
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Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
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You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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