i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
