Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Actions speak louder than pants.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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