I hate your face
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
