that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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