Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
