What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
sarcasm needs its own font
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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