Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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