my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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