stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
