On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
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