Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
