I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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