I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize