my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
