I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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