I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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