So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
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Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
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There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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