cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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