Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you traded sex for a burrito?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
