brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
40s are totally the cure
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
