I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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